I don’t know when I started seeing my self-worth in terms of what I did or did not accomplish.
I’m not sure if it has always been there, lurking, or if this is something new that has crept in like a thief in the night come to kill, steal and destroy. One thing I do know is that the first time I ever dealt with depression, the devil went straight for my self esteem with lies that nobody liked me and I wasn’t good enough.
I also know that even though (Praise the Lord) I haven’t dealt with depression on that level since, depressed moods (or days, or sometimes half-weeks,) is something that I do still sometimes battle.
…Especially when it’s cold and gray outside and the sun forgot to shine for a week.
…And when we have had trouble adjusting to the new busy of this new season of life and I’m having trouble keeping up with my responsibilities.
…Or when we didn’t start back to school after the holidays when we were supposed to and I don’t even have one of the kids next math books yet.
…And when we have passed around winter colds for two weeks and I haven’t seen my dirty dish pile cleared completely before using and adding more back to it since about Christmas.
Especially when all of the above are true all at the same time.
I get moody and depressed and sad because,… I am failing at motherhood and wifery and everything that is important to me. And worse, I start to believe that I am not good enough. I think: I am not going get this down.
Satan is patient, y’all. He watches and he waits and when the time is right he pounces.
But here’s the good news: MY MESS DOES NOT DEFINE ME. Yes. I am messy. More often than not. Somehow I manage to get most things done most of the time and God still uses me. (I’m pretty sure that’s all on God and not so much because of *me,* know what I mean?)
But everybody has a mess somewhere. Maybe it’s not the kitchen or the school. Maybe it isn’t even a physical mess you can see. We are all struggling with something, broken somewhere, or feeling like we aren’t good enough in some area. Aren’t we?
And I know all of this.
………..Sometimes I forget.
I’ve had a lot of reminders lately. God has been practically yelling it at me.
God says, “I love you. Yes, Messy You. Broken You. Insecure You. Depressed You. There isn’t anything you have done or could ever do to earn my love–I give it to you. You have my love, and it is unwavering. My child, I want you to bring your mess to me, and let me help you with it. But I don’t love you less because of it. I love you because I made you. You are valuable because you are my child. Don’t find your self worth in your failures. Don’t find your value in what others think of you, and don’t compare yourself to them either. Find your worth in me instead. I love YOU.”
Yes, Lord, I hear you!
I will probably still struggle with feeling like I’m failing as a mother or wife when I get behind or mess up. But I don’t need to. My mess does not define me — GOD DOES.
God is always working on me, in me, refining and growing me. He’s making me a better person, even though sometimes I tend to grow very slowly. Something else I know: He isn’t done with me yet.
I do need to work on the messy stuff. It’s not I should ignore it. But I can’t do it on my own. God will help me figure it out.
He loves me. He cares for me. He desires good for me.
Know something else? He loves you, too. Do you know Him and love Him? Find your value in Jesus, too. We are not our messes. We are daughters of the King.